I love people! When I was a little kid I dreamed of having lots of children. And I wanted to change the world by bringing good people into it, one person at a time.
When I was twenty years old I wrote a song for my future children, imagining what I would say to them if they should ever make a mistake so bad they were afraid to come home. It took over 40 years but I finally got it recorded, thanks to the kindness of Ryen Slegr. My husband Jas and I then made it into this video! Enjoy.
That’s why I’ve created this blog. Now that my own kids are all grown up, I have more time to share practical tips for handling the challenges you may face too.
Leave an example your children will want to imitate and follow.
When people tried to get him upset, Ghandhi used a technique he called, “Passive Non-Cooperation”. He would stick to his position stubbornly, but in a peaceful, non violent manner.
Josh McDowell, pastor, teacher and writer said:
“Rules without Relationship lead to Rebellion”
You can keep a good relationship with your kids without letting them ‘be the boss’. How? Instruct them patiently that there are CONSEQUENCES to every action, good or bad. Kids will test us, but continue repeating what they need to do calmly, without giving in to bad behavior yourself.
KEEP THE GOAL IN MIND: The loving people you want them to be.
LOVE YOUR KIDS AS THOUGH YOU WON’T HAVE THEM TOMORROW, AND TEACH YOUR KIDS AS THOUGH THEY WON’T HAVE YOU TOMORROW!
“The way you feel about yourself is both your punishment and your reward. Your job is to become the kind of person YOU can love.”
When you feel Valuable and Needed, it makes a huge difference in what you can accomplish in life.
HOW TO MOTIVATE PEOPLE (KIDS OR OTHERS):
From the WEAKEST to the most powerful ways to motivate others:
FORCE: This is where you say “DO it or else” Works only short term, and has negative repercussions later. Makes people fear and dislike you.
GUILT: This is where you attempt to make the person feel bad if they don’t do what you want. Again – it is only effective for a short time, and then makes people tire of you.
INCENTIVES: The Carrot at the end of the stick, “If you do this, I’ll do that.” Effective for a short time but needs variety or will lose its appeal.
LOVE: A person will go to the ends of the earth, without pay, for someone they love.
HOW CAN YOU GET YOUR KIDS TO HELP?
You have to inspire them to WANT to help!
Once you have that, the rest is easy!
How do you do that?
Combining the Three ‘R’s’, of Relationship, Rules and Rewards gives you the best chance of motivating your child.
Relationship – Keep loving them. Nothing beats smiles, hugs and affirmation for encouraging a person to do better.
Rules and Rewards – Plan your strategy. Follow a system that will include incentives to action, whether a Chart, or reward for good behavior that grants special activities or privileges, to go along with a good relationship. Make it like a game, and it will be easier for everyone.
MOST of ALL – Be a GOOD EXAMPLE. Show you don’t mind ‘getting your hands dirty’ too. Your example will speak VOLUMES! If it’s a chore, get in there and act like it’s FUN. You may be pretending at first, but it WILL be fun if you’re doing it together. (Think of Mike Rowe from the show ‘Dirty Jobs’!)
READY OR NOT – YOU ARE THE LEADER!
Once you’ve shown themHOWto do a job the firsttime, then letthemdo it! Even if they don’t do it perfectly, praise efforts made. Be patient. It may take a while for them to get it right.
LOVE YOUR KIDS AS THOUGH YOU WON’T HAVE THEM TOMORROW, AND TEACH YOUR KIDS AS THOUGH THEY WON’T HAVE YOU TOMORROW!
“I’m the parent. I can do whatever I like while I order YOU around!”
When parents either: 1- walk around angry and complaining, or 2- drudgingly drag themselves through life like martyrs, it makes ‘being an adult’ look pretty miserable! Who would want to follow that example?
Not me! I decided long ago I would NEVER forget how to have fun!
Sometimes a little thing like FUN can steer kids in the right direction, making the right thing seem a better choice than the wrong.
While working at home with a babysitter watching the kids, my 4 year old daughter Annie came into my office with a sweet smile and asked if she could just sit there quietly for a little while. She was a good girl and I wanted to say, “Yes” – but my brain argued with my heart, thinking,
‘If I’m to be organized, I must follow rules and not let anything interrupt me.’
So, against my intuition, I put on a straight face and said,
“No honey – I have to work”,and sent her out.
She started crying hysterically as the babysitter took her out of the room.
I tried to rationalize that I wasn’t being heartless.
“I’m supposed to be working. I’m paying the babysitter. She should handle this!”
But I knew I had hurt Annie. I felt horrible all day, and so did she.
A few years later, the incident came up in conversation:
I did remember and was sad about it.I said,
“I’m so sorry honey. Would you like that hug NOW?”
And Annie said,“Nope. It expired!”
Heartsick, I thought, “What can I do, now?”
Had I hurt my daughter forever by that one ‘businesslike’ decision?
My daughter did eventually forgive me.
But what did it take?
TIME.
And love.
SOFTEN WITH LOVE
Did you ever cook oatmeal and not wash the pan right away?
When you come back later the oatmeal is dry and stuck like GLUE.
What do you do? Soak it in water for a while and it’ll soften up again.
Love, like water on dried oatmeal, softens the hardened heart.
Harder still, is admitting when you are mistaken.
Notice I didn’t use the word ‘wrong’?
DON’T USE THE WORD ‘WRONG’.
INSTEAD SAY, ‘MISTAKEN’.
‘Wrong’ holds too much shame and blame.
As a new parent, I was deathly afraid of being ‘WRONG’.
I decided not to make the same errors my parents had made.
And I didn’t. I made NEW ones.
I presumed parents must always be good examples, do the right thing, and know what to do in all circumstances (or pretend you know).
Boy, was I WRONG! (Oops! I mean, ‘mistaken’!)
LOL
Everyone makes mistakes, even with good intentions.
You can’t fault yourself for the wisdom you didn’t have at the time.
Mistakes can usually be worked through, unless we never apologize. To err is Human, to Forgive, Divine.
But don’t wait to say, “I’m sorry”. Clean up your mess when it’s ‘freshly dirty’, and it will be easier to clean up.
And even if you have made the mistake of waiting, soak the problem in love, be patient with yourself and your loved ones, and you’ll see things improve.
They won’t be able to resist forever! Like the old adage:
Question:How do you stop an argument?
Answer:Apologize
Hey! THAT’S wisdom that works!
So, be interruptible, my friends.
Sometimes our disappointments are God’s appointments (appointments to grow and learn)!